


this is not our fairytale

by crookedcrown



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Princess Bride AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-20
Updated: 2013-02-20
Packaged: 2017-11-29 22:18:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/692111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crookedcrown/pseuds/crookedcrown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is based very, very, very, very loosely on the great and flawless The Princess Bride. Please bear that in mind.</p>
<p>Louis, Harry and Niall have kidnapped Zayn for Prince Max. It's all very straightforward, easy peasy lemon squeezy. </p>
<p>Until they discover they are being followed by a man in black.</p>
            </blockquote>





	this is not our fairytale

Niall thinks climbing the Cliffs of Insanity would be a lot easier if the guy strapped to his back would stop struggling. What was his name again? Shane?  
  
"Quit it!" He yells over his shoulder and the guy stops struggling for a moment to fix him with a glare. "You're going to knock us off."  
  
"I don't care." The guy yells back. "I'd rather die than be handed over to Prince Max like a piece of meat."  
  
Niall's stomach grumbles at the word meat. He really shouldn't have eaten his emergency sandwiches on the boat. This is clearly more of an emergency.  
  
"You're being a bit dramatic, don't you think?"  
  
The guy turns away with a huff and Niall gets the feeling he's been dismissed. But he's stopped squirming so Niall has an easier time scrambling up the side of the cliff.  
  
When they reach the top, Niall gentle lowers him against a boulder. "You OK?"  
  
The guy just sniffs and pointedly looks away.  
  
"Alright!" Louis claps his hands together once Harry's climbed over the edge to join them. "We're making good time. We should reach--"  
  
"Uh." Harry's peering over the ledge, his knife out, ready to cut the rope.  
  
"What?" Louis looks annoyed, he never likes being interrupted.  
  
"There's a guy dressed in black climbing up."  
  
"I knew it!" Niall pumps his fist in victory. "I knew someone was following us. Didn't I say?" He turns to Louis. "When we were on the boat, didn't I say someone was following us?"  
  
"It's hard to understand you when your mouth is full," Louis grumbles.  
  
"He's almost halfway up. What should we do?" Harry's on his knees now, knife pressed to the rope.  
  
"Cut the rope!"  
  
"He's not using the rope!"  
  
Louis splutters and Niall takes a moment to admire the rare times when Louis is at a loss for words.  
  
"Find out who it is!"  
  
Harry turns to Louis with an incredulous look. "You want me to _ask_ him?"  
  
"Couldn't hurt." Niall says. "Do you guys have any snacks?"  
  
Louis throws Niall an airline-sized packet of peanuts. "That's all I've got," he warns. "Makes sure you..." He sighs and watches Niall empty the entire thing into his mouth.  
  
"Oi!" Harry yells over the edge. "Yes, you!" Harry points. "You're the only person climbing the Cliffs of Insanity. Who are you?"  
  
Harry curls a hand over his ear and leans further over.  
  
Louis stomps towards him, hooking two fingers into his belt loops to stop him from keeling over. "What's he saying?"  
  
"I can't hear him." He cups his mouth and yells, "Speak up, please!"  
  
There's a shout but Niall can't make it out. But Louis and Harry must have heard him because they pale suddenly.  
  
"Who is it?" Niall wipes the crumbs from his mouth with the back of his hand before sucking his fingers clean of salt.  
  
Louis lets go of Harry and backs away while Harry stands and dusts off his knees. "He says he's the Dread Pirate Cowell."  
  
"Oh," Niall says softly. "That's bad."  
  
Beside him, the guy jerks to attention and then starts thrashing against his binds, swearing like a nutter.  
  
Niall scuttles back and holds out his hands. "Whoa, there. Calm down! What's wrong?"  
  
"That pirate fucker! Let him come! I'll kill him! I'll rip him apart with my teeth! LET HIM COME!"  
  
Niall looks to Harry and Louis, who look just as stunned as he feels, and then back to the screaming, spitting man.  
  
"Zayn, calm down." Louis says, approaching hims cautiously.  
  
Zayn! Niall thinks, that's right.  
  
"I'll rip out his tongue! And gouge out his eyes!"  
  
Niall blanches. "Geez. What did he ever do to you?" They've all heard the terrible stories about the Dread Pirate Cowell but this all seems entirely too personal.  
  
"He killed him!" And suddenly Zayn's anger fizzles out. He curls into the fetal position and sobs. "He murdered my love."  
  
"Hey, now." Niall crouches by his side, a gentle hand on his shoulder. "It's OK. Harry will take care of him, won't you, Haz?"  
  
Harry nods, his big eyes full of sorrow. They might be bad guys but they're not _bad_ guys.  
  
"He's the best swordsman in all the land. He'll take care of Dread Pirate Cowell."  
  
Zayn lets out a stuttering breath and lays completely still. "Just take me to Prince Max. It doesn't matter anymore." The tears are already drying on his face. "I'm already dead."  
  
Niall looks to Louis, who's biting his lips. "Come on," he says softly. "We're running late now."  
  
Carefully, Niall picks Zayn up, cradling him to his chest like a baby.  
  
"You know what to do." Louis hugs Harry. "I'll see you later."  
  
"Yes," Harry agrees, his fingers digging into Louis back. "Later."  
  
They share a long look before Louis follows Niall out of sight.  
  
Harry shakes his head to clear his mind and focus on the task at hand. He trots over to the cliff's edge. "How are you going?"  
  
"Quite tired actually."  
  
"Well, you're almost there." Harry says cheerily. Fencing always gets him into a good mood. "You're doing a very good job. I've never heard of anyone climbing the Cliffs of Insanity with just their hands and feet."  
  
"First time for everything, I suppose."  
  
Harry nods along thoughtfully at that.  
  
"I guess we'll be fighting once I get up there."  
  
"Yes," Harry calls back. "With swords, if that's okay."  
  
"That's fine."  
  
Harry takes a couple of steps back when a gloved hand appears and grips onto the ground. And then the Dread Pirate Cowell is hauling himself up and over. "I used the rope in the last 20 feet or so," He says, huffing.  
  
"I noticed."  
  
"Thank you for not cutting it."  
  
Harry shrugs. "Would hardly seem fair."  
  
"And you would call yourself a fair man?" The pirate rises to his feet, still catching his breath.  
  
"I would like to think so." Harry takes a moment to size his opponent up, drawing his sword.  
  
The Dread Pirate rests a hand on his hilt. "Strange profession for a fair man." He smirks.  
  
"Times are tough," Harry points his sword at him. "We do what we must. And I hardly think a pirate is in a position to judge."  
  
The pirate shrugs, "Perhaps. But I'm here to rescue Zayn."  
  
The answer is so unexpected, Harry barks out a laugh.  
  
The pirate tilts his head in confusion.  
  
"You? Rescue Zayn? He's going to marry Prince Max, and live a life of luxury. Why would he need rescuing?"  
  
"He doesn't love him."  
  
"No," Harry agrees. They start circling each other, eyes locked. "But I hardly think he'll appreciate the irony of having you, of all people, rescue him."  
  
"Oh." The pirate withdraws his sword. "And why is that?"  
  
"You murdered his love. He would kill you himself rather than let you save him."  
  
Dread Pirate Cowell stops dead in his tracks, his swords falls from his hand and Harry can only watch as it hits the ground with a soft thud. He glances back up at the pirate, eyebrows raised. Was this some sort of strange pirate trick to lure him into a false sense of security? Did Dread Pirate Cowell not know the rules to duelling?  
  
"I didn't..." He pulls off his mask and Harry is surprised by how young he is. "Is he terribly upset?"  
  
He has thick eyebrows and kind eyes. To Harry, he doesn't much look like a pirate at all.  
  
"Heartbroken," Harry says and is baffled when he sees him wince.  
  
He looks at him, and he must see the surprise in Harry's eyes because he says, "I'm not the Dread Pirate Cowell."  
  
This is all very dramatic. Harry might have to sit down.  
  
"Well, I am. But I'm not the original. I'm like his successor."  
  
The not-really-Dread Pirate Cowell sits on a boulder and puts his head in his hands.  
  
Harry sheathes his sword, realisation dawning. "You didn't kill Zayn's love," he marvels. "You are his love."  
  
"My name is Liam." He smiles then, just a tiny little thing but it instantly warms something inside of Harry. "I was just a farm hand on his family's property. I've loved him for as long as I can remember. When we were younger he used to tease me, about my hair, my clothes, the way I laughed." Liam chuckles and shakes his head fondly. "But there was never any heat in his words, just this special light in his eyes and the curve of his smile. I realised then he loved me too."  
  
Harry sits by Liam's feet like he was a child in a classroom being read an enthralling story.  
  
Liam tilts his head towards Harry and continues, "When I was old enough, I promised I would make my fortune and return to him a better man, and I would take his hand in marriage. At sea, we were boarded by the Dread Pirate Cowell. I'm sure you have heard of his reputation."  
  
Harry nods. The Dread Pirate Cowell would steal disobedient children who didn't clean their rooms and finish their homework and into the slave trade. At least, that's what his sister kept telling him. Growing up he had heard worse things. Things so bizarre and outrageous they had to be true as no sane being could make those things up.  
  
"But I had made a promise to Zayn," Liam says, "and I would not at die sea. The Dread Pirate Cowell must have seen it, the resolve maybe, in my eyes. So the Dread Pirate and I, we made a deal. But Zayn must have assumed the worst. I soon got word that Prince Max desired to court Zayn for he was the most beautiful boy in all the land and, I too, was heartbroken. For what would Zayn want with a lowly pirate when he could marry a prince?"  
  
Harry shakes his head, curls bouncing. He knew the answer. "True love," he says, eyebrows furrowed.  
  
"Yes. And I suppose that is what kept me going, stopped me from drowning in despair. Then learnt Zayn had refused him and my heart was renewed. I would return to him with all my treasure and we could finally start our life together. But..." Liam looks at him, but without anger. Puzzlement, perhaps.  
  
"We kidnapped him." Harry says, frowning.  
  
"Yes," Liam nods with a hint of a smile, like he might be amused. "You did."  
  
Harry considers this for a long times, face scrunched up in concentration. Liam takes the time to sigh forlornly, run his hand through his hair, once or twice, and put his mask back on.  
  
"Well, come on then." Harry leaps to his feet, turns on his heels and marches towards where Louis and Niall disappeared to.  
  
Liam startles, jumping to his feet as well. "I'm sorry. What?"  
  
Harry looks over his shoulder. "I'm going to help you."  
  
Liam blinks back at him. "Not to sound ungracious and terribly rude, but why?"  
  
"This is true love, Liam. I've only just met you, and even I can tell."  
  
Liam remains rooted to the spot, blinking back at him.  
  
Harry throws his arms in there. "True love doesn't happen everyday, Liam! Now hurry! We might still be able to catch them!"  
  
Harry starts to run then, his chest filled with elation. He had been reluctant to be a kidnapper. Louis had promised him fun and adventure but he wasn't keen in making one boy marry another boy if he didn't want to. But Louis said they had to start from somewhere and that nobody was standing on a street corner handing out morally-good adventures for beginners. And technically they weren't making anyone marry anyone else. They were just delivering a person from point a to point b.  
  
"What happens after that", he said with a curt nod, "is none of our business."  
  
Harry looked at Niall who shrugged. "Better than nothing."  
  
"We won't have to hurt him, will we?"  
  
"You know, for the best swordsman in the land, you're pretty anti-violence."  
  
Harry huffed and frowned at Louis.  
  
"He's marrying a prince!" Louis reasoned, "What could be so bad about that?"  
  
Harry shrugged. "Nothing, I guess."  
  
"Hey!" He hears Liam shouting from behind, "Wait for me!"  
  
Yes, Harry thinks, his smile so wide his face could hardly contain it, now this is an adventure!


End file.
